Thank you for sharing. What I could never understand growing up was the fact that everyone wanted to be the same, girls would dress the same, act the same, talk the same. I always loved when someone was different! Why different had to be weird and why weird was a bad thing, I also could not understand. We should embrace our uniqueness and you seem like a really wonderful and interesting person. I’m so glad to hear when people turn to books. I also did the same but wish I did it earlier in my life. Now I’m always the one carrying that book 😅 Let’s just say I wish I would have embraced my weirdness and uniqueness earlier in life. I guess better late then never :) Loved how you open up here and share your experience and I think it makes others feel more comfortable to do the same 💓
I had been looking forward to this essay, Mariella, to get to know my friend a little better. I was the weird kid, too. I did weird things. I was quiet. I liked music no one else liked. I talked about horses. I mixed cookie dough with my hands (it’s how I was taught) 😜. I was lucky to have cousins. And I made friends with the kids who were different, the Buddhist girl, the girl from Spain, the girl from Russia. But the popular kids shunned me just like they shunned Barb in my story. I never understood it. And I don’t understand why you were left out. Their loss of course. You aren’t left out anymore. You have my respect and that of the greater community here. I know you know that — I’m just putting these words in writing, outside of your own head, for you. You are everything you are meant to be. Beautiful, kind, talented, Mariella. My friend. 🤍
To quote C.S. Lewis, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." 🙂 I've just never been able to make friends, and a lot of people don't realize how painful that is.
It is more painful than most people who are extroverted assume. We try our hardest and it’s like there was a mark on me that others could see but I couldn’t. And the mark is still there; im just learning to own it. Thank you for your comment. 🤍
It is an unfortunate fact that people who like culture- in your case literature- often do not fit in with others. It's because society- or Western society- has fallen prey to consumerism, mass production of books and film, and this gnaws at the roots of culture itself. If you like literature- so not cheap hyped books- and don't engage with the hype of the day- you are easily seen as an outsider. Same counts for people who love classical music or art or things like opera and ballet.
But that's not *on* you. That's who you are, and I believe that it's important to see the validity in that. You must find people who love and cherish literature and the classics as you do- then meaningful connections can be forged. Don't feel alone! :)
Thank you for this. It does seem to fit me - I like classical music, piano, ballet, renaissance art - I wouldn’t touch a video game with a six foot pole just because I don’t like them, and I never would do it, even when it seemed like joining in on such activities would make people like me. I think I was born in the wrong century. I don’t even read new books anymore; I’ve been disappointed by so many modern “bestsellers”!
Haha, I relate to everything you just said!! Modern culture has a superficiality to it that makes people like you and me stand aloof from it. But that’s a positive to it, even if it does feel painful at times- our existence is richer, more passionate, because we find joy and fulfilment in what is beautiful and classic.
Keep on writing about these topics. It’s important!
This is so wonderfully written. Reading it really touched me and reminded me of all of the times I’ve felt like I’ve never quite fit in either. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
I’m so glad that you enjoyed it. It was difficult to write but I really thought I needed to write it in order to get those old wounds covered up and out of me for good. They’ve been festering since I was a teenager; it’s time to love myself for what I am, and I couldn’t do that without “speaking to teenage me.”
I love that you wrote an essay! And I can relate to so many parts of it. It's like being out of sync in a song everyone else is dancing to or singing but I have to guess my way through. I have always been interested in things others did not always care about and for the most part I have been fine with it because I was used to being alone. I was intellectual, poetic and moody. I didn't care for crowds, sports, or dating. I wanted ro read good works, think, write and wander. But I also have had moments of loneliness and feeling defective because I couldn't connect with others. I didn't really need for them to lose what I did, but for them to want to care because it was my interest and they cared for me. Thankfully, I met someone who I did marry who, although maybe not always liked what I like, loves me enough to hear about it. He hates reading but loves stories, doesn't write but buys me pens, and isn't fascinated with watercolors but encourages me to paint. And same with me towards him in his love for music(which I can't grasp without visuals), anime(which I have discovered can be deep and thoughtful) and machines(which I cause to malfunction). And it was a surprise when he was diagnosed with ADHD 11 years after we met and us already married, but not detrimental. It was just him! And I loved him. So when I discovered my own neurodivergence in therapy, Autism, it all became clear—why he and I were able to connect, why others didn't try(or couldn't) and why although I always thought I was out of sync it was actually that I was listening to a different song. ❤️
My hope for you is that you are able to celebrate your own uniqueness and find people who, perhaps, have been walking alongside you on a similar road you chose. 😊
I love your phrase "I was listening to a different song". People have often used "She marches to the beat of her own drum." to describe me and it always sounds just a little insulting, more like she can't get her $&#$ together. At the same time, almost all of my truest people (spouse and a few soul sisters) have at one point or another given me a poem or placard or card or whatever along the lines of "A friend is the one who sings the song of your heart back to you when you have forgotten the words". I LOVE the mental and emotional picture of living life listening to a different song. It's literally making me want to get up and go put it into art. Thank you!
Robert Frost's poem is one of my favorites. So often I too feel like I am on the road less travelled and church is one of my favorite places. I often feel like most people don't "get me", especially if I am following God, not man and the culture. But Jesus Himself said to go through the narrow gate for few find it and many enter through the broad gate. (Matt. 7:13) So, we must carry on!
You could have written my story. I, too, grew up isolated in a way. My mother suffered with mental illness which curtailed a lot of socialization as a child. That lack of socialization created social awkwardness that still lingers today. Thank you for being vulnerable.
Mariella, it warmed my heart to read that church is your favorite place to be. I'm sorry that you've experienced rejection there at times (that makes Jesus weep, for sure) -- because that is the place where you should feel the most accepted and loved as the treasure you are.
You and I are on opposite ends of the personality spectrum -- so far apart that the ends circle back and reach each other. Though many have called me "overwhelming," I'm sorry to say, some of my closest friends were very quiet. I found a haven in them and they in me. And you and I meet in books. Nowhere so happy as when we're reading! My husband and I both brought books to our first date -- so we knew. I'm grateful for your vulnerability and just subscribed -- and thank you for subscribing to read my personal essays. See you again soon!
I wish I had known you then! I would have loved to hang out with you at the library. It’s rare to find someone you can read with. Most people like to talk more than read.
As I read your article I emphasized wholeheartedly with you. The thing I have found is that it is their loss not mine. I have learned to be at one with how I see things. I really don't need or want the input of those who don't care enough to see who I am.
So very well written, so very poignant. Odd duck that I was, I was rather known as the anti-bully, defender of the friendless. I’d have taken you right under my wing, child. I hope you will always consider me your friend. You showed up in substack, it appears, just before I did, and I have been actually looking up to you!
Mariella, thank you for sharing something so vulnerable yet so beautifully written. "You're always carrying that book!" was probably the phrase I heard most growing up, and it still lingers in my mind. Even now, I struggle to find people who truly understand my passions, who aren't weird out by me. I believe we should embrace what sets us apart, not because reading or any other passion makes us "better," but because it’s an essential part of who we are. Once again, I was deeply touched by your words, and I wish for you nothing but happiness, fulfillment, and health 🤍
I'm sorry this has been your experience! Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? I loved that book and it made me realize there was nothing "wrong" with me. :)
Thank you for sharing. What I could never understand growing up was the fact that everyone wanted to be the same, girls would dress the same, act the same, talk the same. I always loved when someone was different! Why different had to be weird and why weird was a bad thing, I also could not understand. We should embrace our uniqueness and you seem like a really wonderful and interesting person. I’m so glad to hear when people turn to books. I also did the same but wish I did it earlier in my life. Now I’m always the one carrying that book 😅 Let’s just say I wish I would have embraced my weirdness and uniqueness earlier in life. I guess better late then never :) Loved how you open up here and share your experience and I think it makes others feel more comfortable to do the same 💓
Thank you for reading! And your comment is lovely 🤍 it was hard to write but I did have a feeling that I wasn’t the only one!
I had been looking forward to this essay, Mariella, to get to know my friend a little better. I was the weird kid, too. I did weird things. I was quiet. I liked music no one else liked. I talked about horses. I mixed cookie dough with my hands (it’s how I was taught) 😜. I was lucky to have cousins. And I made friends with the kids who were different, the Buddhist girl, the girl from Spain, the girl from Russia. But the popular kids shunned me just like they shunned Barb in my story. I never understood it. And I don’t understand why you were left out. Their loss of course. You aren’t left out anymore. You have my respect and that of the greater community here. I know you know that — I’m just putting these words in writing, outside of your own head, for you. You are everything you are meant to be. Beautiful, kind, talented, Mariella. My friend. 🤍
Thank you. You’ve made me tear up. I’m so grateful for you and everyone here. I’ve found a community I never had growing up 🤍
To quote C.S. Lewis, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." 🙂 I've just never been able to make friends, and a lot of people don't realize how painful that is.
It is more painful than most people who are extroverted assume. We try our hardest and it’s like there was a mark on me that others could see but I couldn’t. And the mark is still there; im just learning to own it. Thank you for your comment. 🤍
It is an unfortunate fact that people who like culture- in your case literature- often do not fit in with others. It's because society- or Western society- has fallen prey to consumerism, mass production of books and film, and this gnaws at the roots of culture itself. If you like literature- so not cheap hyped books- and don't engage with the hype of the day- you are easily seen as an outsider. Same counts for people who love classical music or art or things like opera and ballet.
But that's not *on* you. That's who you are, and I believe that it's important to see the validity in that. You must find people who love and cherish literature and the classics as you do- then meaningful connections can be forged. Don't feel alone! :)
Thank you for this. It does seem to fit me - I like classical music, piano, ballet, renaissance art - I wouldn’t touch a video game with a six foot pole just because I don’t like them, and I never would do it, even when it seemed like joining in on such activities would make people like me. I think I was born in the wrong century. I don’t even read new books anymore; I’ve been disappointed by so many modern “bestsellers”!
Haha, I relate to everything you just said!! Modern culture has a superficiality to it that makes people like you and me stand aloof from it. But that’s a positive to it, even if it does feel painful at times- our existence is richer, more passionate, because we find joy and fulfilment in what is beautiful and classic.
Keep on writing about these topics. It’s important!
This is so wonderfully written. Reading it really touched me and reminded me of all of the times I’ve felt like I’ve never quite fit in either. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
I’m so glad that you enjoyed it. It was difficult to write but I really thought I needed to write it in order to get those old wounds covered up and out of me for good. They’ve been festering since I was a teenager; it’s time to love myself for what I am, and I couldn’t do that without “speaking to teenage me.”
Thank you for reading, and for your comment 🤍
Writing can be so, so cathartic! I hope it’s helped and for what it’s worth, you’ll have also helped so many others with your words.
Quiet people have hidden depths which the young rarely have the inclination to explore. You will find your soulmates in time xx
I love that you wrote an essay! And I can relate to so many parts of it. It's like being out of sync in a song everyone else is dancing to or singing but I have to guess my way through. I have always been interested in things others did not always care about and for the most part I have been fine with it because I was used to being alone. I was intellectual, poetic and moody. I didn't care for crowds, sports, or dating. I wanted ro read good works, think, write and wander. But I also have had moments of loneliness and feeling defective because I couldn't connect with others. I didn't really need for them to lose what I did, but for them to want to care because it was my interest and they cared for me. Thankfully, I met someone who I did marry who, although maybe not always liked what I like, loves me enough to hear about it. He hates reading but loves stories, doesn't write but buys me pens, and isn't fascinated with watercolors but encourages me to paint. And same with me towards him in his love for music(which I can't grasp without visuals), anime(which I have discovered can be deep and thoughtful) and machines(which I cause to malfunction). And it was a surprise when he was diagnosed with ADHD 11 years after we met and us already married, but not detrimental. It was just him! And I loved him. So when I discovered my own neurodivergence in therapy, Autism, it all became clear—why he and I were able to connect, why others didn't try(or couldn't) and why although I always thought I was out of sync it was actually that I was listening to a different song. ❤️
My hope for you is that you are able to celebrate your own uniqueness and find people who, perhaps, have been walking alongside you on a similar road you chose. 😊
I love your phrase "I was listening to a different song". People have often used "She marches to the beat of her own drum." to describe me and it always sounds just a little insulting, more like she can't get her $&#$ together. At the same time, almost all of my truest people (spouse and a few soul sisters) have at one point or another given me a poem or placard or card or whatever along the lines of "A friend is the one who sings the song of your heart back to you when you have forgotten the words". I LOVE the mental and emotional picture of living life listening to a different song. It's literally making me want to get up and go put it into art. Thank you!
Robert Frost's poem is one of my favorites. So often I too feel like I am on the road less travelled and church is one of my favorite places. I often feel like most people don't "get me", especially if I am following God, not man and the culture. But Jesus Himself said to go through the narrow gate for few find it and many enter through the broad gate. (Matt. 7:13) So, we must carry on!
You could have written my story. I, too, grew up isolated in a way. My mother suffered with mental illness which curtailed a lot of socialization as a child. That lack of socialization created social awkwardness that still lingers today. Thank you for being vulnerable.
Mariella, it warmed my heart to read that church is your favorite place to be. I'm sorry that you've experienced rejection there at times (that makes Jesus weep, for sure) -- because that is the place where you should feel the most accepted and loved as the treasure you are.
You and I are on opposite ends of the personality spectrum -- so far apart that the ends circle back and reach each other. Though many have called me "overwhelming," I'm sorry to say, some of my closest friends were very quiet. I found a haven in them and they in me. And you and I meet in books. Nowhere so happy as when we're reading! My husband and I both brought books to our first date -- so we knew. I'm grateful for your vulnerability and just subscribed -- and thank you for subscribing to read my personal essays. See you again soon!
People who love books are always the best people. So glad I found you here, Mariella!
I wish I had known you then! I would have loved to hang out with you at the library. It’s rare to find someone you can read with. Most people like to talk more than read.
As I read your article I emphasized wholeheartedly with you. The thing I have found is that it is their loss not mine. I have learned to be at one with how I see things. I really don't need or want the input of those who don't care enough to see who I am.
So very well written, so very poignant. Odd duck that I was, I was rather known as the anti-bully, defender of the friendless. I’d have taken you right under my wing, child. I hope you will always consider me your friend. You showed up in substack, it appears, just before I did, and I have been actually looking up to you!
Mariella, thank you for sharing something so vulnerable yet so beautifully written. "You're always carrying that book!" was probably the phrase I heard most growing up, and it still lingers in my mind. Even now, I struggle to find people who truly understand my passions, who aren't weird out by me. I believe we should embrace what sets us apart, not because reading or any other passion makes us "better," but because it’s an essential part of who we are. Once again, I was deeply touched by your words, and I wish for you nothing but happiness, fulfillment, and health 🤍
I'm sorry this has been your experience! Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? I loved that book and it made me realize there was nothing "wrong" with me. :)